i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You made out with two different species that night
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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