I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
