i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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