Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
