Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
it's like heaven, but drunker
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
