meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
