I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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