For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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