I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
