I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
