you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize