Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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