he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The power of my boobs compel you
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize