look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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