ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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