YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
