Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
