Are we in a gay sports bar?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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