Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
