I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
