not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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