Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
