I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
