3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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