You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
