Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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