oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
