My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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