And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
