One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
