Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
