Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
