so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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