So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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