I need to stop coming to work sober
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
