just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
