You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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