So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
