Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
