sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
