Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
