Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
