first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
