Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
