come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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