Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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