my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
