I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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