So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
