i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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