I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
