the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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