here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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