Yo dont text me then not text me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
