Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
