I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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