i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
