I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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