She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
