You're a womanizer and a bitch.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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