all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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